


Skulduggery Pleasant: Soulmates Love

by GeckoLady



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, Ridiculous, Rough Sex, Sex, This Is STUPID, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, do the roar, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:48:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29437053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeckoLady/pseuds/GeckoLady
Summary: Skulduggery finally gets the courage to have a signal of his true form put in place, and admits his love for Valkyrie! A satire fic through and through, just for a laugh :)
Relationships: Valkyrie Cain & Skulduggery Pleasant, Valkyrie Cain/Skulduggery Pleasant
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Skulduggery Pleasant: Soulmates Love

Valkyrie jogged up the last steps to China’s library, excited to see the beautiful woman. She’d been called an hour ago about some exhilarating news and hearing her so happy had invigorated her – if it was enough to enthuse China, it would definitely be good.

China must have heard her footsteps as she stuck her head out of her apartment door. “Valkyrie, darling, come in! I’m glad you could make it.”

“Thanks for inviting me,” Valkyrie grinned. “I wanted to know what you had heard.”

“Not what I heard, but what I did,” China smirked, going to her green velvet chair and sitting. Valkyrie closed the door for privacy. “Take a seat.”

Valkyrie did. “Don’t leave me waiting, tell me!”

“I did it! I convinced Skulduggery to let me modify his facade. Now he has a second one next to the first that lets him turn back into his true human form from before he died!”

“Oh my god!” Valkyrie exclaimed, jumping up. “That’s amazing! How does it work? No, what does he look like? Does he have a beard? Is he muscular? Is he hot?”

“Now, now, that would be telling dear Valkyrie,” China teased. “You’ll have to find out all of that for yourself.”

Valkyrie couldn’t hold it in – she did a happy dance right there, a squeal of happiness sprouting from her lips. “This is so awesome! I have to go see him right now! See you China!”

“Have fun!”

Valkyrie ran downstairs and jumped into her orange car and sped down the street, illegally calling Skulduggery on her phone as she did, shooting onto a fifty mile per hour street at twice the legal speed. He didn’t pick up the first time so she called him repeatedly, failing to get his attention. Growling to herself, she went as fast as her little, old car could go all the way to his house on Cemetery Lane. Both funeral directors were there shouting insults at each other but she ignored them in favour of sprinting to the front door and kicking it open. The whole doorframe splintered from the wall and fell to the floor from the power of her thighs. She screamed his name.

“SKULDUGGERY? WHERE ARE YOU?”

There was no answer.

She stomped back to her car and slammed it in reverse, trying to think of where he might be. Then, she decided she wouldn’t look for him. He obviously needed his time to think. She’d go home and give him until the next day to talk to her. Maybe he just needed to get a haircut? She nodded to herself and drove at a more acceptable speed to Grimwood Manor.

However, there she found Skulduggery on her front doorstep, hands in his pocket and skeletal head gleaming in the midday sun. The Bentley gleamed also, her shiny black paint as glossy as ever. She got up close and slammed on the breaks before opening the door, not even bothering to close it after herself or to take the keys out of the ignition.

“Where were you?” She shouted at him. “I called, like, fifty times!”

“I know. I was waiting for you here,” his buttery voice said. He leaned back against the door and she felt her pussy throb as it always did when he did suave things around her. He could never know though. They could only be friends. But then again. Now he was more human, he might want to be with her. She could only hope she’d one day have the confidence to ask him out. “Where were you?”

“Looking for you, obviously,” she stropped, stalking up the steps to him. “Why couldn’t you pick up my calls?”

“I had to pick up something else,” he said mysteriously, his skull giving nothing away. “I’ll tell you in a few minutes. Look, Valkyrie, I have to tell you something.”

“It’s okay, I know already. China told me about your new facade. I want to see, it’s so exciting!” She grinned.

He laughed and put his hands out to calm her. “No, not that. Well, yes, there’s that too, but it’s not what I’m trying to tell you. Look, I wanted to tell you for so long but I just couldn’t. With me being a skeleton and all, and you being such an attractive young woman, I thought you’d never love me. But now I can turn into a real man, one that can truly satisfy you, I wanted to tell you – I’m in love with you Valkyrie Cain. I have loved you since the moment I met you in Gordon’s arms, I knew you were my soulmate and I was just waiting for you to come to me! All of this, it is fate we are together!”

“Oh my god, I have no idea you felt the same way!” She explained, jumping in place. “I’ve loved you since I met you when I was twelve, but I couldn’t say anything because I thought you’d have thought I was just a stupid kid with a dumb crush.”

“Oh no,” he said, opening his arms. She jumped into them and he held her tightly. “I would have accepted your love, we are soulmates, our age just doesn’t matter! Who would I be to stand in the way of true love? Who would anyone be? Only an evil person would do that. I love you so much, I’m so glad you love me too.”

“And me! I wish you would have told me we were soulmates when we met, we’ve lost so much time already!” She gasped, and then pulled back and grabbed his skull, planting her lips against his teeth.

They kissed for a long moment, Skulduggery pressing his skull into Valkyrie’s face and her kissing back firmly. When he opened his mouth, she opened hers and licks her tongue over the inside of his teeth seductively, drawing a groan from deep in his chest. He gripped her tightly, grabbing her large ass-cheek in his hand, shaking it. She laughed around the kiss, moaning when he pushed her into the door. It was almost embarrassing how wet it made her, but she had waited for so long, even going as far as saving her virginity for him.

“I saved my virginity for you!” She gasped out when he allowed her to breath.

He growled happily. “Thank goodness! I’d have been displeased if you had let a boy like Fletcher use your cunt.”

“My hole is only for you,” she breathed, her eyelids dropping flirtatiously. “I’m so wet too.”

He growled and grabbed her, throwing her over his shoulder. She cried out and then laughed when he smacked her ass forcefully, opening her front door and leaving it open. He threw her down on the largest sofa in the front living room and stood over her, crossing his arms. “Take your clothes off.”

Heat rose up her face, and down to her clit. She took them off as fast as she could, throwing them all on the coffee table. She was grateful that she had shaved – she had shaved every day, every part of her body, since the moment she had met Skulduggery, determined that the day he tell her he loved her she’d be ready to fuck him in gratitude. “Am I beautiful?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

“You’re perfect,” he said softly, reaching out and stroking her cheek.

“I want to take off your clothes,” she smiled, and set about doing that, unbuttoning all of his layers and folding them neatly how he liked it before setting them down on the table. She even got on her knees and undid his shoes for him, like how a good woman should for her man. She knew Skulduggery would like that, and she was proven right when he grabbed a fistful of her hair.

“Good girl,” he said simply, and pulled her up, making her cry out in pain, before shoving her onto the sofa. She quickly opened her legs for his inspection. He knelt on the sofa, only in his boxers, and pushed her legs wider to look. “You are so gorgeous,” he told her, and flicked a finger over her clit, making her gasp. “And so wet, just for me.”

“Only for you,” she managed to say before he pushed three skeleton fingers into her pink taco. She screamed out and he rotated his hand left to right, stretching her hymen to the max. He was so full inside her, she couldn’t breathe around the treatment.

“Tell me, have you ever touched yourself before?” He asked.

“No! I saved all of myself,” she promised. “I’ve never even orgasmed! I only wanted it with your permission!”

“Good!” He said and thrust his fingers in and out of her quickly.

“No! Please! Give me your human meat, I want to feel your hot power inside of me!” She begged.

He pulled out and she kicked her legs in tantrum, unhappy to have her fuckbox empty once more. She had waited so long already. “I want to, darling, I do, but I worry. I have been a skeleton as long as you have known me. I worry that when you see my true, real self, you will feel I am different and not love me anymore.”

She rolled her eyes at him as her vajayjay throbbed with need, begging in its own language for his attention. “Of course not! I love you when you use your other facades, this is just another! You are always you, even when you look like a different you,” she smiled.

He smiled back skeletally. “You always know how to cheer me up.”

She smiled at him one last time and she reached out and tentatively touched the new signal on his collarbone.

She watched in absolute fascination as his body changed before her, meat stretching over his bones, and then skin, his body growing wide and thick. His head was round and he had large cheeks and his ears… his ears were cutely misshapen. She gasped and her heart swelled with love as his boxers fell apart at the seams, bursting from the pressure within. His pleasure pump was long, growing still even after his body had filled out and stopped, the strength of Skulduggery’s arousal keeping it facing the ceiling until it finally stopped. It was at least six inches in diameter at the base and the tip was so large it was almost as wide too, and nearly flat, and vein’s covered it all over.

“Skulduggery, you’re… you’re so handsome,” she breathed in wonder.

His porker finally stopped growing and fell from its own weight, landing heavily on her abdomen – it must have been the length of her forearm almost. His chest was fluffy and he was bald, he had brown eyes and pink lips the exact same shade as her own girly bits, and when he smiled at her nervously, she saw his big teeth had turned yellow. His skin was so smooth and green. “Are you ready for me?”

She was tempted to ask to give him a blowjob instead, as just seeing his thick noodle made her mouth water, but her fanny pulsed quickly, begging for more attention, and pussy juices were oozing out of her fast enough to soak into the sofa cushions. “Do it.”

He smiled gently and pulled back to get room for his vagina miner, before steadying his arms on either side of her, and then dropped all his weight on her at once. She wanted to scream from the sudden pain of having her hymen ripped in seven places all at once, but she couldn’t from his weight atop her. Also, the fullness was unreal. She finally felt complete, more full than she could have ever expected!

“You’re so deep,” she wheezed out, eyes bulging.

He groaned happily. “I’m sorry I had to squish you love,” he said. “But I had to. I had to force my cock into your cervix, for that is the only way for our soulmate bond to connect with yours. I hope you don’t mind.”

He pulled back before she could answer and she looked down, seeing below his belly how hers seemed flat, and when he pushed in it took the form of his rod perfectly, even down to the veins. “Wow, I can see you inside me!”

“Yes, that’s because we’re meant to be. And by being in your cervix, it will increase the chance of impregnating you every time I mate you.”

“Oh my god, that’s so cool,” she grinned, setting her head back again, only to moan out when he thrusted harder.

“It also means you get to feel more pleasure than any other normal woman gets to,” he bragged. “And my manhood is rather nicely sized, so you get to have pleasure from that, too.”

“I love it,” she managed to say, before he was done talking and began the first real fuck he’d had since he had watched his wife and child gruesomely murdered in front of his eyes.

He thrusted into her privates as fast as he could, her arousal squelching out the sides every time as her body tried to make enough space for his giant ogre snake. She moaned and groaned as shots of pleasure ran up her body, sparks of heat electrocuting her every time he bottomed out inside of her and his pubes ticked her clit.

She loved it so much he began to pull back further and further, slamming into her harder every time to make her shout out her joy at their union, but then he made a mistake that made her scream and tears of pain come to her eyes. He accidently thrust straight into her arsehole, filling up her butt and leaving her poor dick warmer gaping unhappily at the turn of events.

“Oh no,” he moaned, thrusting wildly. “You’re so tight! I can’t possibly stop!”

She blinked her tears away as the pain receded and she began to feel pleasure with his movements. “It’s okay!” She told him. “My body is for you! You can use my pooper if you need to!”

He growled his thanks and kept pumping her with is fleshy popsicle until he did the roar, a stream of thick, hot cum shooting from his balls and into her intestines, the power of it making her cum instantly. She squirted her pee all over him as he continued to cum into her bowels, the roar never ending and making car alarms for miles ring out. She felt as her belly grew and the heat ran through all her organs, filled up her tummy, and she felt it come up her throat – the power of his wormgob was so much, she felt as Darquesse was destroyed from her body the instants it entered her! Skulduggery shuddered again and again, watching as his man sludge drizzle from her mouth.

When he finally stopped cuming, he grabbed her hips and stood, pulled out and shoved his still hard poopy impaler into her muff. She shouted her happiness at being filled again so soon, her head flying back and forth as he used her body. She didn’t have to wait long until he came again, filling her cervix to the max and cuming again, filling up her womb with so much seed it expanded wide and filled her tubes, entering her ovaries and fertilising all the eggs she had! She’d be pregnant the rest of her life, pumping out his babies.

“I love you so much,” she whispered contently as his finally flaccid soldier slipped out of her.

He smiled at her and pulled a diamond ring out of nowhere. “I love you so much Valkyrie Cain. Will you be my wife?”

She gasped and grabbed it. “Oh my god, yes! Thank you so much. I’m going to be the best wife you could ever ask for, even better than your old one.”

He ruffled her hair and stood. She didn’t because she wanted as much of his jizz to stay inside of her as she could manage. “I know you will, honey bear.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. Yes, he is Shrek.


End file.
